seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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