remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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