Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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