i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
