Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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