Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
