You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
