this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
