walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
