Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
