My room smells like vodka and shame
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
