I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
