foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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