Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
