then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
