I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
