I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
