the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
