I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
