So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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