She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
