Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
