I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
