Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
