It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
