Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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