Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
