Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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