no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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