Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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