the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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