you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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