Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
send nudes
from the living room?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
