He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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