Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
