In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
