Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
