Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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