Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
