I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
