A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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