I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
