Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
