And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
