yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
