Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
