new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
