Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
