I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
