Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
