I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
