I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
