Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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