so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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