i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
