I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
