I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
