the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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