All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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